How To: Cure A Broken Heart with Yoga in Two Hours or Less

1. When you wake up in the morning and the first thing you feel is a sense of loss and directionless despair, get ye to the yoga studio. Welcome a sense of direction.

2. When dressing for yoga, be sure to wear your diamond earrings. Not the ones that s/he gave you. But the ones you won at the strip club when you were drowning your sorrows in unhealthy distractions. Now you feel desirable again. (Bonus: you’ve found a healthy distraction.) But do not wear makeup. That would be ridiculous.

3. When asked to state your intention at the beginning of yoga class, do NOT state this: “I wish to gain the ability through yoga to crush my ex with the psychic powers of my mind alone.” Instead chose this intention: “I wish to love and respect myself.”

4. When doing the chair pose, bend as deep as your legs will hold you. Let the lactic acid build up in your thighs until you want to scream. Realize there is a pain worse than a broken heart.

5. Breath. Don’t forget to breathe. Don’t worry about breathing through your nose or mouth specifically. Those restrictions are for the whole-hearted. Just respirate. If you can continue long enough, you won’t die. If you’re alive, then you are forced to accept that your heart isn’t actually broken. It’s functioning as normal and the other stuff is just a figure of speech.

6. When given the choice between vinyasa and child’s pose, take child’s pose. You deserve a rest. Rest. But do not stay there for long. You are better than that.

7. When in warrior’s pose, realize that you are a warrior. Applaud your inner strength. You are awesome. Repeat your intention. The loving yourself one, not the other one.

8. When the exercises are over, listen to the wise words of the yoga instructor. Realize that everything she says about letting go and about having nothing to do or UNdo and about not having anything missing in your life, all that is true. With or without a romantic interest.

9. When in shibasana (corpse pose), imagine your consciousness as a tranquil sea (perhaps resembling the set of Cirque de Soleil’s O). When the sadness and regrets and anxieties rise up and distract you from the sea, imagine those thoughts as little flash-paper boats. Set them sail, and just before they dip over the horizon, set them on fire and watch them flash and disappear. Enjoy the tranquil sea. Repeat.

10. At the closing, when you say “Namaste,” remember what that means: That the divine in me salutes the divine in you. Remember that you possess the divine, too.

Go forth in peace. And do not check your cell phone until you’ve gone forth at least 30 yards from the yoga studio.